Warning ⚠️: This post is going to be real, emotional, and raw.
I’m writing this because I want anyone who reads this who struggles with depression, that they are not alone, no matter how much your brain tries to convince you that you are.
I know what it’s like to sob uncontrollably until you’re gasping for air. I know what it’s like to not to physically be able to bring yourself out of bed, for days and even weeks. I know what’s it’s like to feel hopeless and alone. I know what it’s like to be ashamed of not being able to function, like you’re a puppet to your own sadness.
I decided to write this post because today has been really difficult for me, more often the most. I have been in a funk all day, some conversations taking up much more energy than they should. In reality, I just returned from paradise, and my day-to-day responsibilities hit me like a ton of bricks. Some may say I don’t deserve to be sad, especially after traveling abroad to places some only dream about, and my logical braking would have to agree.
But there’s no real rhyme or reason for really feeling this way. I actually give myself a lot of credit for how much effort I put into chasing my happiness and building meaning into my life, but it often times doesn’t feel like enough, and that feels so defeating. I get in funks that last for hours, days, even weeks. It really doesn’t even make sense most of the time.
Now would be the part where some of you start asking, “Don’t you have someone to talk to?” Or “You can always come to me!” Or something like that.
I can’t speak for everyone who struggles with depression, but from my own experience of battling it, I actually don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want to complain about things I know I shouldn’t be complaining about. My logical mind knows that what I want takes time, and to not beat myself up over not being there yet. But my brain chemistry doesn’t always allow me to just follow that. I literally become overwhelmed with feelings that don’t make sense to me, and I get frustrated and upset even more because I feel out of control and frustrated with myself.
What I’m trying to say is that if you know a friend or family with depression, just know that we don’t mean to push you away. There is no perfect formula for how to help. But just having patience and understanding can go a long way. If someone means something to you, tell them and reach out every once in a while if you are inclined to. But the last thing a personal battling depression wants is another expectation of them that they’re not meeting. I feel bad for my friends and family who are probably hurt that I don’t try to communicate as much as I probably should, and for that I’m sorry.
If you yourself are struggling, just know it’s okay to feel these things. But they too will pass. You are not alone, you are not a bad person for chasing your dreams, and your time and efforts are precious and do not need to be focused on things that do not bring you joy. It take time to get to a place that you also can support yourself through life (I.e. financially), while also only doing things that make you happy. And that is perfectly okay. Do not give up.
Lastly, thank you to those who took the time to read this. It’s difficult to expose myself to the world like this, but at the same time I know when I see other people do it, I’m so proud of them and inspired, and I hope maybe you’ll feel that way too. ??